Drugs and Sadness

The woman who wrote this article is smart and left a man addicted to drugs, recognizing what an impossible path down the rabbit hole that could be. Me? Not so much. I married one, and had a child with him. The man was also not as simple as the one depicted in that article, this one hid is dependencies well till the time it was harder for me to leave. And he did not have any one dependency, he just needed his mind altered in order to feel good. In a strange way I understand his deep inner pain, but I will never understand why he needed to be such a fucking asshole to the woman who loved him.

Of course it is still virtually impossible to explain to people who ask, exactly what happened. So I use the simple and truthful explanation “he was an addict”. Or to the ones I trust a little more, “he was an addict, and he was physically abusive towards me.” All true. And I don’t even try and explain the parts where I remained with him after he nearly killed me, gave him hundreds of chances to “improve himself” and even procreated with him. Those are weaknesses on my part- lack of self respect, complete and utter fear of being single, and many parts of me turned off so that I wouldn’t realize how much danger I lived in during my 5 year marriage.

And yes, I really loved this guy, he was everything I ever wanted in a man, despite his failings. How do I even explain that to anyone? What, he hit you, drove a car tire over your foot, beat you up while you were seven months pregnant? I could easily have been this woman. And you love him? Yes. Always. Because you see, my love was real, and I have the ability to feel love. He doesn’t.

He is a classic pathological narcissistic sociopath. And I even knew that for a long time. Finally complete and utter mental exhaustion and the ever eclipsing love for my son is why I left him for good. And the words of a newlywed Australian woman that I met on Krabi Island in Thailand…”your son deserves better.”

I have lived in such pathological dysfunctional conditions for so long, I am lucky I am somewhat functional now. But I am past that, and although I am still dealing with a lot of the legal crap that comes after ending a marriage,¬†and definitely in A LOT of emotional pain, I can still say that I am on a road to a better life. I am constantly searching for pain relief in the form of friends to talk to, books to read, therapy, prayer and¬†occasional partying, and blogging. Its therapeutic to be able to tell my story. People don’t want to hear the real facts in person, and when they do, its out of morbid curiosity, the kind you have when you want to know the details of a murder. I maintain anonymity because I know this about most- they just don’t care. Everyone is dealing with their own lives, and comparing it to others. I don’t care to be an object of pity, but I do care to help people who are or were in positions where they are self-destructing. Staying with partners who are addicts, and mentally ill is slow suicide. It is better to get out, in fact any other scenario is better than an abusive partner. A marriage without trust is no longer a marriage, and I have seen that in my parents as well my case. There is no joy, life loses its luster and you start dreading the future.

Now as a single mother, I now at least have the blessings of HOPE and know that my life can and will be very very good. I don’t dread the future, I am excited about it. I love watching my son grow, and I am excited to become healthy in mind,body and soul. I am slowly getting excited about looking good again, and in growing spiritually again. I know the marriage was also a vehicle for my spiritual growth and learning, and I accept it as such.

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