My maternal grandmother will pass on any moment now. Her organs are failing, and she is in a lot of pain. That is what makes me saddest- her pain. However, if she is meant to go, it feels to me a like a good time to do so. I do not know her personal thoughts on it, I was never close enough to her to ask. She is around a 100 years old, and I suspect has a magnificent and kind mind, though again, I haven’t actually personally experienced it. I don’t feel a tremendous loss because she wasn’t actually ever a part of my life personally. But certainly, I am on this earth because of her!
Another death that struck me recently was of a woman whom I was in awe of. She died when a huge tree fell on her, in the perfectly manicured park of a first world country. Thats its, game over. See, that is the one I don’t understand. This woman was magnificent, I know that for a fact, and I know it personally. She was a huge success (in worldly terms) in every single aspect of her life, she was gorgeous and left behind and equally amazing husband and twin one year olds. Why is her time over? There was a lot of life left to be lived, and I know it would have been one for the books.
So, death is somewhat in perspective now, it can happen anytime, to anyone and in anyway you can possibly imagine, and you have NO control over it. It can be painless and quick, or agonizing and drawn out, both have their advantages I suppose. So why worry about it? A quote from the movie Dr Strange, goes something like this “Death is what gives life meaning, you know your time is limited, so you want to make the most of it.”
Is that true for most people? It sadly is not actually- every day blends into another,and just getting through the day without breaking down is pretty much the goal. It pretty accurately describes my life at the moment too, and I want to change that, I need to feel purposeful in my life, and that is what is lacking now. I have let go of my body, my mind and am living unconsciously, but struggling to get to the surface again. I fight depression and struggle to make myself care everyday, and my beautiful son definitely makes that a necessity. I just started exercising, and making some futile attempts to eat better. I know myself, and know that the overnight process does not work for me- inspiration and motivation has been harder to garner as of late. Does this sound like a lot of you? Lots of knowledge and good intentions but the final steps missing- implementation.
Like they say at any good self help workshop- break it down into pieces and don’t let yourself get overwhelmed and enjoy the process! Love how you are loving yourself, document it, record it and bask in it. I seriously did this 2 days ago- I had a bubble bath with lavender essential oil, while snacking on strawberries and cashews. It was wonderful and self indulgent. I plan to do it more often. I want to take pride in my body and looks again- and hope that spills into every other aspect of my life slowly and beautifully. I don’t want to be around people who hurt me, make me feel small or bring me down, I avoid them like the plague. God/Universe is opening my eyes to the truth and the possibilities. Make every detail beautiful, and live in every moment while making way for the even more beautiful. Oh beautiful life!